If you had the assignment of listing ten books or movies that accurately portrayed what death and grief feel like to the survivors, could you do it?
Fictional portrayals of Grief
Oddly enough I think Disney’s Lion King is probably the best example I can muster.
The son Simba watches his father die, feels responsible for the death, and leaves town in shame. He doesn’t deal with this feelings of loss, or grief, he doesn’t immediately face up to his new responsibility at home – he just runs away.
That is a totally normal reaction to such great loss. Allot of deep feelings are normal while grieving: Self destruction, escape, busyness, anguish, anger, revenge, avoidance, etc.
Sometimes Grief isn’t pretty
Would we like the move as much if Simba got super pissed at his Uncle a month after his Dad’s loss, and he attacked him? Would we like the movie as much if Simba’s anger turned him into an unlovable addict? What if Simba went on Facebook everyday blasting Scar telling everyone what a terrible animal he is. Would we watch that movie?
My point is only that while grief manifests itself in many varied, often ugly and destructive ways, we as a society have created “acceptable” and “unacceptable” ways to grieve. We applaud Simba for returning to his responsibilities and making things right – but would we applaud him if he just stayed lost, broken and angry? Probably not.
Virginia Wrongful Death Law
Now – here is where I tie a Disney cartoon into Virginia law. When I meet with a family to discuss a potential wrongful death lawsuit, I am trying to evaluate how it is they are grieving the loss because the law requires I put that grief on display – sort of. Under the law, the survivors can recover for their financial loss (lost wages, funeral bills, medical bills), emotional loss (loss of solace) and other very oddly worded items of damages.
And because wrongful death cases usually involve the mistake of one party (usually the defendant doctor, nursing home, nurse, etc.,) whose actions accidental or intentional caused the premature death of another (we call this negligence and causation) we must show a judge, insurance company or jury, how that loss has impacted the remaining loved ones.
- Did the parents who lost that small child – stay married?
- Did the daughter who lost her mother drop out of school?
- Did the husband who lost his wife re-marry quickly because his loneliness was so deep he couldn’t cope?
- Did the adult children who lost their Mother stop speaking because the pain of her loss was too much?
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, other than mental health professionals would likely say it is better to feel it than avoid it.
But when under the microscope of civil litigation (this doesn’t apply to criminal cases as I don’t handle those and know the role of the prosecutor is much different than mine in a civil matter) there are some actions that are judged more harshly that can hurt a wrongful death case in the eyes of a judge, insurance company or jury.
Grieving on display in a Virginia civil wrongful death case
In general – here are some actions that are not helpful to your civil wrongful death case:
- Social media posts re: negligent party, revenge, anger, etc.
- Public blame: online reviews, rants, etc.
- Total avoidance of the loss: refusing to engage with others about the loss, or feelings
- Focusing on your own guilt – ie, like Simba
In general – here are some actions that can be helpful to your own healing, and to a case:
- Keeping a grief diary of your feelings
- Speaking to a professional pastor, counselor, mental health professional
- Sharing the grief in community – with family, friends, etc. who can be present as you experience the loss
- Feeling your feelings and not avoiding them or escaping them with substance abuse, etc.
What the law can do
While no lawyer can bring your loved one back and no wrongful death lawsuit can undo the harm, here is what a Wrongful Death lawsuit can do under Virginia law:
- Reveal facts of what occurred
- Provide clear answers to the family as to how the incident / accident occurred
- Hold the wrongful parties accountable
- Provide money to reimburse your family for lost income, medical and funeral bills, etc.
Wrongful Death law and the Lion King
If Simba had filed a wrongful death lawsuit against scar, he would have hired a lawyer to investigate the facts. The lawyer (I imagine a zebra, what about you?) would hire experts who would testify to the pride rock court that Scar’s actions were negligent, willful, wanton and a jury or judge would decide that Scar acted with intent to harm or caused Mufasa’s death. Then Scar (and his insurance company) would have to pay Simba and his Mom a bunch of money which Simba would use to rebuild his life.
Notice, Scar doesn’t go to jail – that is criminal law.
Conclusion
In sum, when you experience a great loss because of the negligence of another, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. BUT, you may want to speak to an attorney sooner rather than later in case the way you express your grief could be hinderance to your case.
Also, I think we need to do a better job of creating movies that show how hard grief and loss really are. While I know it wouldn’t be a blockbuster – it would be a start.